I'm imperfect and I'll admit it.

I like to be inspired. Today my inspiration comes from a post on someone else's blog. I want to share it with you because I think it's inspiring and thought provoking, and it's not often that many of us use the internet for something that isn't mind-numbing. Unfortunately, my favorite thing to do on the internet IS mind numbing, and it's called Facebook. Ah, yes, good ol' Facebook, providing me with endless hours of "entertainment" all week long. I often feel compelled to delete the damn thing, but I can never bring myself to actually do it. The funny thing is, I found this particular inspiring blog post because someone shared it on the World's pathetic (yet interesting and, okay fine, fun) pastime.
The blog is about a "disease called Perfection." I won't sum it up for you because I really believe it's worth your time to read it for yourself. However, a part of it inspired me to be honest about my weaknesses. So here I go, being truthful and vulnerable for your reading pleasure.
I'm scared. I'm apprehensive. I'm insecure.
I'm know my upcoming move will not be easy, and I seriously have doubts about my linguistic skills. I'm insecure about speaking Norwegian, but I'm trying hard to work past my inhibitions and pretend that I'm confident. I'm not. In fact, I'm scared (please excuse this) shitless.
I'm afraid to leave my family and friends. I'm afraid I'll miss out. I'm afraid I won't be accepted. See, I've found my niche here. I know who I am, I know where I belong, and I know how to get around. I also know I won't feel so confident in my new corner of the world. At least not right away.
I am person that tries to remain optimistic, but right here, right now, reading the truthful words I just articulated, the glass definitely seems half empty.
But you know what? I'm proud of myself for saying it all out loud. These are real emotions and real concerns that have been bubbling up inside me since the moment I considered the possibility of a serious, loving relationship with Stian.

Every coin has two sides, and for awhile today, it landed on tails.
But here's to heads, and to keeping my chin up.

I have to remind myself often (as we all should) that I am human. I have feelings, I have emotions, I have strengths and I certainly have weaknesses. In college, I taught myself that I can use my weaknesses to build my strengths. When I'm feeling down, I find it encouraging to remember things that are important to me. One of those things is love. I know that I am loved and I know that I always will be. This isn't necessarily romantic love, but just...love. I know my sources of love come from my mother, my father, my sister, and my brothers. It comes from Stian. It comes from my grandmother. It comes from my aunts, uncles, and cousins. It comes from my friends. And all this love helps me get through whatever I need to get through, whenever I need to get through it, and perhaps most importantly, wherever I have to get through it - near or far.

There is a book by the famous Dr. Seuss called My Many Colored Days. Most of you reading this know that I love children's books partly because I am a teacher of very young children, but I also love them because the messages are simple, important, usually feel-good themed. I like this particular book because I think it addresses something that isn't always addressed in the adult world: feelings. Honest to goodness feelings and, more importantly, acceptance of those feelings day to day and hour to hour. Similarly, the message I took from the blog that I told you very little about, is to accept how I feel. Today, I accepted my feelings of apprehensiveness and insecurity because I just am not, cannot, and will never be perfect. And that's okay, because in the words of my favorite children's book writer, I should be who I am and say just how I feel because "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."  Dr. Seuss, you are...my hero.

Getting all my anxieties out feels good. In fact, I believe it's a remedy. Reflecting on my feelings has made me flip my coin over, and I am once again giddy with excitement and wonderment and a sense of humor about my trail I'm blazing every day.

Here's the link to the blog: http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html.
Read it, maybe you'll feel inspired, moved, or understood.

Careful What You Wish For

I don't usually spend my time wishing for things I can't have, but sometimes it happens and sometimes gets a tad out of control. The reason I don't usually spend time wishing for said things is because it usually ends with me doing something pretty spontaneous. And being spontaneous can be addictive. Let me give you an example of something I thought I couldn't have, but continued wishing for...

I used to drive a 1992 Toyota Camry. Only two of the windows rolled down because my dad decided that rather than fixing the windows that fell, he would bolt one shut, and duct tape the other. The air conditioning never worked, and with only two windows able to roll down, it was always stuffy and never a comfortable drive.  Anyone riding in the car would get pretty grumpy (especially because the front passenger window was the bolted one) and sweaty by the time we got to the nearest corner. It smelled like gasoline when it started and I'm pretty sure a little elf was stealing window washer fluid because it never seemed to have any. But if I was lucky and the little elf DIDN'T steal that fluid, it didn't matter because the wiper blades were so bad that they were literally (I mean LITERALLY) flapping in the wind. Try using them and the dirt on the windshield only got smeared around to the point you couldn't see. All those little things didn't seem so bad, especially since the car was free, but boy oh boy, I wished every morning on my way to work that I could drive something else. Something better. About a month ago on my way to work, I got pulled over (my very first time). As I pulled away from the curb, my eyes burned with tears of frustration. I didn't get pulled over because I was speeding, and I didn't get pulled over for running a red light. No, I got pulled over for driving a p.o.s. car and had the ticket to prove it. I needed to fix my brake light (add THAT to the list, thank you very much). Fast forward to the end of the day driving West into the sun to get back home: I pulled the lever to wash my dirty windshield. Nothing came out and the smeared dirt was worse than before. Forget going home. Forget dinner. I drove straight to the Toyota dealership. "I need wiper blades," I told the guy that greeted me. "Oh, and I'm looking into leasing a car. What can you offer me?" Well, he was more than happy to show me around and 3 hours later (man, it takes a LONG time to take care of this process) I drove off the Toyota lot with a brand spanking new 2010 Rav4 with 24 miles on it. 

Nevermind that I'm getting married and moving out of the country in 10 months, I wasn't about to drive that other car one more day while I'm still here. I'll figure out the details of ending my lease another time, right now I'm enjoying my air conditioning, my windows that go down, my perfect brake lights, my cd player (what a luxury!), and my adorable new car in general. 

And so, driving home from work I see tons of  "Apartment For Rent" signs, which only get me wishing to move out on my own. Uh oh. That, unfortunately, should definitely NOT be wished for or quite honestly even THOUGHT about right now. While I could technically afford it right now, Stian and I can't afford something like that later, especially when all that would-be rent money needs to go into a savings account so that we make ends meet for the time when I won't be working during the visa processing hoopla. But that little spontaneity bug keeps burrowing deeper and deeper into my thoughts, invading them all, all the time.

Must. Resist. 

Must. Redirect. To something nothing to do with money, hopefully.

Although, little spontaneity bug, you have helped me get places I never thought I would be (for example, marrying a Norwegian guy, moving to Norway, and trying out a brand new place without much thought...). That little spontaneity bug is part of me, and always will be. It makes me who I am...and honestly, I certainly like having such a fun little thing spicing up my life. 

Getting Started

My goal is to document this journey I'm on. The process of getting married, moving overseas, and starting a life with the one I love is daunting to say the least, but definitely doable and seriously worth it. There are millions of questions I need answers to, and most days I don't even know where to begin. Today, for example, is one of those days. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere - floating somewhere between wedding invitations, Halloween plans, how ridiculously hot it was today, and what on earth I will do to occupy my time in Norway while my visa is being processed (which, by the way, could take up to 11 months!!). Oh, add learning Norwegian and Skype dates to that list, too.

The best way I can describe this is that it is like a brainstorm. You know, the type you had make before writing a paper in junior high or high school (which I hated, and if it was ever required for a grade I always made it AFTER the paper was already written...completely defeating the purpose and therefore making it seem like a waste of time AND paper...but I'm seeing the usefulness now, at 23....)? Anyway, you know what I'm talking about: bubbles of topics with bubbles of subtopics sticking out from each bubble? That's my storm upstairs. Wedding bubble. Moving bubble. Life After Moving bubble. And Right Now bubble. Bring on the bubble wand, I'm sure there are more just waiting to come into existence....

So I'm at the brainstorming stage...pretty soon I'll move on to the writing and begin my story, my journey, my life. I hope you'll stick around for it, dear reader. I know the beginning of my story, and I know the end will be that I lived happily ever after, but everything in between is a mystery and I can't wait to figure it out with you.